You may have received this by email recently. I got it a week or so ago, however this still has relevance, even today, in the supersonic paced digital world we live in, a week old document can easily be misunderstood, unrelevant, or more likely mocked by the forums boys as NEWB material.
Oh well, being the brave, recently self proclaimed digi journo, I feel I can take these kinds of risks... expecially seen as know one ever reads my words any how, apart from the Joss Stone fans, who helped me get my all time record number of hits in a day.... over 300.... yes I know.... not in the thousands yet.
---------------------------
Anyone experienced any of these?!
Rules of pooing at workAs much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO isinevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is theSurvival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so thesmell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn'tknow where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop untilthe full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure thesmell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in andcheck for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave andcome back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People maybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a suddenwave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledgeit.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter inthe urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isuncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machinegun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. Ifthis should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyonehas left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what justoccurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poohits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stinkup the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the doorafter you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
As with farts,it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoidedwith the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud ofit. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroomwith a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look aroundthe office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) --
PFN - A group of co-workers who band>together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This>group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet>Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where>you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender>entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the>cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most>shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the>bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a>WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when>used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the>bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet>water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon>coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud>splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who bandtogether to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The ClosetPooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of theopposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your genderentering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in thecubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the mostshocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo atwork. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglarleaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up aWATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective whenused in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubtthat the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave thebathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toiletwater. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermeloncoming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Tryusing a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as>you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
