Who said toilet humor was "Tapoo" ;)

You may have received this by email recently. I got it a week or so ago, however this still has relevance, even today, in the supersonic paced digital world we live in, a week old document can easily be misunderstood, unrelevant, or more likely mocked by the forums boys as NEWB material.

Oh well, being the brave, recently self proclaimed digi journo, I feel I can take these kinds of risks... expecially seen as know one ever reads my words any how, apart from the Joss Stone fans, who helped me get my all time record number of hits in a day.... over 300.... yes I know.... not in the thousands yet.


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Anyone experienced any of these?!
Rules of pooing at work
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO isinevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is theSurvival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so thesmell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn'tknow where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop untilthe full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure thesmell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in andcheck for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave andcome back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People maybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a suddenwave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledgeit.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter inthe urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isuncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machinegun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. Ifthis should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyonehas left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what justoccurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poohits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stinkup the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the doorafter you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.

As with farts,it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoidedwith the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud ofit. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroomwith a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look aroundthe office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) --

PFN - A group of co-workers who band>together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This>group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet>Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where>you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender>entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the>cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most>shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the>bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a>WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when>used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the>bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet>water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon>coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud>splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who bandtogether to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The ClosetPooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of theopposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your genderentering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in thecubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the mostshocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo atwork. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglarleaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into thebathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up aWATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.

Very effective whenused in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubtthat the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave thebathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toiletwater. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermeloncoming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loudsplashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Tryusing a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as>you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

Favourite Games

So I was thinking about video games, and thought I would write a list of my favourite games I'v owned. This is of course a useless list, as If I was questioned about my favourite games next week, this could all be very different... I am spineless..... and fickle..

Favourite games on each console I have owned

NES

Super Mario
Excite-Bike
The Legend of Zelda

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SNES

Street Fighter 2
Mario Kart
Zelda Pilotwings
Internation Super Star Soccer
NHLPA Hockey 93
F-Zero
NBA Jam
Super Tennis - Hiro was ace
Mega Man
Desert Strike

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N64

Goldeneye
Super Mario 64
Mario Kart 64
ISS Pro

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Playstation

ISS Pro
Tekken
Tony Hawk Pro Skater
Knock out kings

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Dreamcast

Shenmue
Fantasy Star Online

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Playstation 2

Pro Evolution Soccer
Knock out kings
Grand Theft Auto 3
Granturismo
Metal Gear Solid
Tony Hawk 3
Final Fantasy 10

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Xbox

Pro Evo 5
Tony Hawk Underground
Halo 2
Project Gotham Racing 2
Godfather

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Wii

Wii Sports

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360

Fight Night
Pro Evo 6
Oblivion

Love the Dogs!!

Whoops!!! I got this email about an hour after posting my rather cruel words about Champ… my stupid, special dog of Nintendogs…

After receiving this email I feel, maybe I was too rash… maybe I should do as the email says.. and “Love the Dogs”.. it is an instruction after all… it aint a question..

Therefore I must Love the Dogs…

This is an advert from the local Dog track, and merely a means to lure me back to the track, granted. And therefore not a reflection on my life and lifestyle choices I have made, ie getting rid of champ.

But I kinda feels all perculiar …no?..
I get rid of the darn little mutt…. Then I receive this email… that little tear away scally wag… that little cut little pain in the arse mutt… oohh no I think ive made a terrible mistake.

Oh well, I will go to the dog track and ponder a while.

Something just popped into my head

Well thats not entirely true..... I often see it.. I have visions... I see tentacles

Nintendogs

You may remember i recently bought Fight Night 3 for the xbox 360 and nintendogs. True to form i loved Fight night. im hooked.possibly my favourite 360 game.

Also true to form i hated nintendogs... But hey no surprises there, traded it for Oblivion...another game i'm a little unsure I will like, but I hear good things about it... soI will see..

I actually enjoyed Nintendogs until 'Champ' my Labrador, decided to play dumb during a competition... I looked an idiot... the stupid mutt...

I think my Champ was "special"

No matter how hard I tried the little git wouldn't sit.... lie, rollover.... shake my hand!!!! Nothing.... I shouted at him, he looked sad... but you know what.... I don't think I cared..... my hatred for the game was channeled towards the dog...

When he was in the house... he would do these tricks.... and could catch a Frisbee in the park.. but when it really mattered... he bottled it... So I traded the game the next day... that will teach him... he's probably going to get bought buy a little bratty 9yr old girl, who won't feed it.. or water it...

Good luck Chump!!

Valentines Eve walk of shame

"Ha ha look at him... he's a tw*t!!" said the spotty Asbo chav!
"Loser!" cried the 15yr old Mum
"You shouldn't have," mocked the bricky!
"I say old boy, you look like a fool" expressed the banker in the pin stripe.
(Very diverse crowd we get in brum..)

Yeah thats right... I just did the Valentines Eve, walk of shame!!

Walking down Birminghams main shopping street, New Street, with flowers under one arm, and Thorntons Continental under the other....
If i didn't know by then, my friend Jon told me there's nothing more embarrassing... so I know I'm not alone.

Why do we do it!! At least they weren't roses..

So i quickly pick the flowers I want, then march back to work, in a sheepish way... In fact it was someone walking sheepishly but trying to seem confident....

I even glared at the spotty chav.. in a kind of.. yeah they're F IN flowers mate! and if you try and mock me or my flowers.. you may find them growing out of your ass!!!

Obviously I didn't... cos he mocked me and I took it... I took it like a man with a bunch of flowers and chocolates would take it!!!.. Like a bitch!!

I felt like a walking cliché.... Like I just won the game, how many clichés can one man do in 30 mins.... 3 obviously....
1. Flowers
2. Chocolates
3. Sheepish walk, pretending to be confident...

I strangely found out that if you press Alt + 1 3 0 it = é

So know i write cliché with the accent... not sure if its right... but I like it..

I should know as I take french classes....
Wow.. i didn't realise I was such a smooth mo fo... flowers, chocolates, french linguist...
Lock up your daughters.

PS regarding Nintendogs from yesterday.... I've been playing it quite a bit... I step out the office to take the dog for a walk, or to feed and water him...

He's called Champ... and you know what..... I think he may just be one....hmnnaaah.. I think he is..

Gears of Wars or Nintendogs??

So I bought Fight Night Round 3 for my 360 on sunday. A game I know I will love, as I've had them all since Knockout Kings, but thats not all I bought on sunday... Nintendogs for the DS!!!!

I always do things like this... I buy games I know I won't like, or I at least want games I won't like. I like sports games, shoot em ups, first person shooters... games you don't really get on the DS, however I'm desperate not to be that person, and therefore try to like RPG'sand RPS games and simulation style games.

I wanted Animal Crossing, I would never have liked that, and Pheonix Wright.
I also wanted Advanced Wars, Dual Strike.. which I bought... but soon regretted it...

I haven't always been such a stubborn 1 dimensional gamer.. I used to play the old Final Fantasy games, and loved Zelda.

I guess I am what I am.. a brute smelling gamer, un interested in the finer things games can offer...

I like immediate gaming satisfaction, satisfaction gained from winning a race at Project Gotham, scoring a sweet goal at Pro Evo, blowing up Locusts in Gears of War, and beating someone to a pulp in FightNight, even then Im slugging away hoping for the knock out by round 3.

So will I really like petting my dog.... in Nintendogs.... i very much doubt it, but I will try....

I will play it tonight and let you know if I can be turned into gamer i'd like to be.